I'm sitting outside wrapped in assorted layers because today is the first day of British Summer Time, the sun has been shining bravely, the birds are singing love songs and it's (slightly) warmer outside than in. With my slippered feet on the table and coffee mug balanced carefully on the bench beside me I can look over towards Maiden Moor and Catbells where groups of stick figures are silhouetted on the summits; a pair fell runners just puffed past and as usual I feel slightly guilty for being still and apparently idol. With all this Spring going on it's hard to believe that just a week ago I was in Narnia, well Bristol. I travelled down by train and experienced the weird, dreamlike dislocation of hurtling through blizzards, the train tilting and banking like a fighter plane, through the occasionally looming Howgills, and eventually arriving in a city blanketed in white. City snow is not something I've experienced, not since a childhood winter in Providence, and it felt very surreal to be wandering deserted streets at 2am, following fox tracks and skittering about pretending to be a horse (this last means my phone is now smashed and held together with sellotape).The rare treasure of three days with BOTH my children was made even more special by the peculiar, cocooning weather. The highlight (apart from snack suppers by the fire, snuggled up watching Paddington films) was a hair-raising drive to Glastonbury on the eve of the Vernal Equinox, where we had hoped to fly Jake's drone for some exciting aerial photography. It was unbelievably cold though and so windy that flying was impossible so we just walked and talked and looked across the Vale of Avalon and wondered what it would be like to actually live there. A town so full of crystal shops, vegan cafes and people wearing rainbow jumpers that it's almost a parody of itself. It's easy to be cynical and laugh at all the serious New Age types but I suddenly felt very much aware of a road not taken, or at least veered off in my 30s, and wondered if it wouldn't be a more forgiving place to face life, particularly older age as a "crone", than the Lakes with all it's obsessive running, cycling and extreme swimming. I'm still a hippy at heart and there is something comforting about knowing places like that exist, that not not everyone over 50 has to wear beige Goretex, run 10k before breakfast and stop playing horses. As Louise Chatfield commented, on Twitter, it seems at least like a place that is non judgemental or about putting people in boxes. I can't wait to return.
Back in the North I discovered (on #WorldWaterDay of course) the the water had gone wrong again- this time either overflowing like Aira Force on to the doorstep or gone completely and I'm not going to deny that I feel at rock bottom, sorely tempted by some of the more outlandish forms of self-help therapies spotted in the Glastonbury Oracle. Unicorn interactions perhaps or a spot of Puppet Therapy; failing that a new umbrella so that the door step is easier to navigate! I love you Lake District but my patience is being tried.
Again I am pondering Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs particularly in relation to creativity - there are many exceptions of course and some would argue that strife feeds creativity but I do find it hard to justify drawing bears when I probably ought to be finding a more reliable way to help earn enough to meet the first level of the pyramid! Luckily I came home to a few welcome orders for wooden bears which ticks some issues in the "Esteem" box. I want to make more of these wooden pieces, perhaps a hare or a leaping fox... but so far this one has worked by far the best. I got some lovely new silk cords yesterday so he now comes with either a dark red or blue cord (or silver snake chain).
When I was in Bristol we had a look in Hamilton House where the Folklore exhibition organised by Gordy Wright opens next month. It's a great place with loads of events, exhibitions and studios - what a dream it would have been to have something similar here in the old Cumberland Pencil Factory. Anyway, I've been working on a couple of illustrations and hopefully one will be getting printed and included in the exhibition... which one though ?
I've drawn myself a little hut by a lake and maybe if there is still magic in the universe and all that positive visualisation thing works it will one day be possible to find the illusive "Home" a place to belong, to build a garden again.
Meanwhile here is some proof of Spring, slowly unfurling .( this time last year the pink blossom was already in full bloom and the white almost over)
Reading: A Line Made by Walking - Sara Baume. Listening to : The Hazel Wood - Melissa Albert and Spiro who make the perfect music for swooping along Lake District roads pretending you're in a film to.
This beautiful, wiggly wall over Lingmoor Fell is an allegory of the way my week - and emotional state - has been fluctuating since we walked that way on Monday. At one point on I was surrounded by botched printed vases, newly created landfill to prick my conscience, a mountain of useless greyscale printouts after my printer forgot how to do colour, no lights downstairs after all the fuses went (I looked in the fusebox but it seemed to be very windy and cold in there which is odd) and the DPD delivery driver stuck up to his axels in the mud outside. It has felt at times like I'm living in a kind of Krypton Factor game show for dummies, where every task has involved a massive hassle and steep learning curve; still, it's much more satisfying when something goes right at last if it has driven you to tears for hours beforehand. Walking in the brittle spring sunshine, arms pinkening and prickling with unaccustomed exposure to sunlight and tummy rumbling with too much coffee and not enough cake, we climbed to the summit of Lingmoor and learned some lessons from the survival bag we used as a picnic blanket. These lessons, and the continuing sunshine, probably helped prevent meltdown and/or murder later on- and besides, what reason do I have to complain? Imagine building that wall... it was immaculate, with each header stone at the same angle despite the terrain.
I love the idea that you would ever be able to "relax and formulate a plan" should you ever find yourself actually needing to get inside an orange plastic bag for survival. Further down it suggested something to do with dried leaves, I can't remember exactly what. I think this winter there have been a few cases of people whose lives have been saved by these bags though so I shouldn't joke.So as Friday night turns into Saturday, I'm sitting by the stove, with the cat dangerously close to my feet, feeling a little bit of the same sense of achievement I get on reaching the top of a hill. I've rebuilt my evil website, after many tears and it even has a shop. It's a big improvement on the previous one so even though it's more expensive and drove me nuts, I'm actually really glad that Flavors.me closed down and forced me to do it. I'm playing shops and it seems so much more exciting than Etsy because it's my very own. The first two sales made me feel like a tycoon and I could never take for granted the magic of being able to do that without leaving my nest, from home, in the middle of nowhere.
Most things seem to be slowly coming together in preparation for BCTF but it's frightening how much money you can spend on services and materials without even leaving the house; and how you think you've worked out the costs of things but then remember you need to factor in the sellotape, Paypal fees, tissue paper or sticky labels. Its fair to say I have felt huge ups and downs of mood and confidence this week and have been trying to be more careful about dealing with the downs. Sometimes it really is important just to relax and formulate a plan, to go for a walk or take time to read a book and not feel guilty; because the upside of being self employed, to balance out having no money, is that I have that freedom at the moment and I've noticed I work best in the evenings anyway. I'm like that annoying hamster you probably once had that slept all day, got vicious if you tried to wake it up and then suddenly started rushing about on it's treadmill at bedtime- making a sound like squeaking bedsprings (the rushing about is me, not the squeaking).
And sometimes it's tempting to sew up the scraps and offcuts to make something new, because, at the risk of sounding like an infuriating meme, failure is often just a state of mind or a view from a certain angle, it just depends how you frame it. Well, it's time I let you go, thank you for reading and also for all the survey responses. I need to look at the results properly and apply my amazing analytical skills, before finalising my master plan, so for now it's back to relaxing and dreaming of more days like these. Dipping toes into achingly cold water till the blood fizzes like champagne, winter dimmed eyes blinking in the light and you can almost feel the vitamin D soaking through your skin.“The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness.” John Muir
March is upon us; the wheel is turning again, creaking at first as the brave new buds appear but before you know it we'll be rushing headlong towards summer and taking it all for granted. Do you ever wish you could slow it down, press pause at a certain point; the first snowdrops maybe, or bluebell time? In melancholy mood I want to savour every moment, my 50th spring; when you put it like that each new season has a greater value - how many times will I see the wild garlic or the willow flowers?- and I know I'm so lucky to live in a place where those seasonal signposts are a daily joy. My dad recently told my brother he had lost his feeling for where he was in the year, unsure if it was snowdrop time yet, since moving from the farm to the town and so spending less time outside. As for me, I've been in the next door garden this week, discovering the Victorian "Barley Twist" edges of the lawn which I doubt have been seen for years under the overgrown borders and tumbled rockeries. The garden isn't mine, it has strange plants that I don't recognise and it makes me miss "home" and my own lost garden again, but it's a haven and I'm glad of it. I'm never happier than when I'm lost in a garden.
Apart from my occasional trips in to the garden, to gather sticks or hack through the undergrowth, I've been busy with all sorts of odd BCTF preparations, whilst wrestling with guilt trips about my lack of a regular income. I call myself so many mean names before I've even got out of bed that it's not surprising confidence is low... but so far I'm managing to meet all the targets I've set for myself, new work is happening every day, spread sheets, catalogues and even the odd drawing are being created and I'm starting to really look forward to April.
One useful thing I discovered whilst filling in last month's sections of The Makers Business Toolkit planner was that many of the people who buy from me via my Etsy shop or Facebook are people who have followed Witchmountain in one way or another for a long time. I really love that I feel as though I've known some of you for years, what would I do without you?! But, in trying to train myself to be more businesslike, I realise that I need to reach new people too; BCTF will hopefully do that but I wonder how else to do it? I've made a little survey just for fun and it would be great if you could take the time to fill it in , it's multiple choice, anonymous and very quick. Thank you.
Now the night has crept upon me and the fire has got low, it's time to think about sleeping and talk to the cat about her plans for the evening; it's raining outside but I don't want waking up at 4am by beast scratching at the bedroom door like a demon.
Reading: "Dip" by Andrew FusekPeters Listening To: "Dead in the Boot" elbowWebsite: Wooden-boy the arty adventures of musician Sycamore Sykes, including my favourite greetings card of the moment for book lovers and introverts everywhere :)